Because if I'm scared to say it, it's probably worth saying

February 6 2010

A death and an addiction

[Image of heart in the snow]
I’m living through a breakup right now, which means that in my heart and in my head, I’m living through a death and an addiction at the same time.

A death because, suddenly and probably forever, I lost someone and something that meant the world to me. I lost a partner, a friend and somebody who knew all my shit and loved me anyway.

I also lost an idea that meant the world to me. I lost the dream I had for the relationship – the future I had started to imagine, the understanding of my past as I had rewritten it, and the shared world we inhabited together as we each made our way through our own.

It’s an addiction because every habit triggers an urge I have to resist, and so do the moments of emptiness in between. When I have a thought I want to share, I can’t share it with her. When I feel misunderstood, I have to turn to someone else to understand me.

When I look at my phone, log onto Facebook, see an event we planned on my calendar, hear a song, eat that candy bar, brush my teeth and get ready for bed, I have to tell myself — no, no, no, you can’t call her.

In so few things does doing what’s right feel so horrible. It’s unnatural the things we do in love.

We let one dream get so big that it crowds out the others. Then we have to kill that dream to make room for another one.

We lean so hard on the one relationship in our lives that’s most likely to fail. After all, we can have as many friends and family members as we want. But the romances that don’t end in marriage all have to end. And half of marriages end anyway.

If it were any other system, we would call it broken, judging by the results. It leads to so many broken promises.

But frankly, I don’t care whether the system is broken. All I care about is whether I can make it work – inside or outside the system, over, under or around it.

I thought I figured out how to make it work, and I almost did. And yet almost may be the worst outcome of all. Because when it almost works, you think there must be a way to make it actually work.

But then I hear Mark Twain. He understood how far we have left to travel when we reach almost.

“The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightening and a lightening bug.”

So too with relationships. This last mile may be the longest, the one that separates right from almost right. Longer than all of the others combined.

***

A personal note: Normally, I send new blog posts to email and RSS subscribers first, a day before they appear on the blog. But not with this one. This post was scary enough to publish, knowing not only that it would be read now, but also that Google never forgets what it finds. So I’d rather not spend today thinking about whether to change my mind.
(02.06.10 @ 4:30pm EST)

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  • Blake...When I saw the heading of this particular blog, I was curious to what it was about. Little did I know that the eloquence of your words could resonate to my loss in such deep and personal way. I believe that you could take your 3rd paragraph and probably relate it to your life once again, as well. That is a true statement of "full circle".

    Your writing is beautiful; like a song without a rhyme. You've been blessed with the art of writing.
  • Kristine, it means a great deal to me to hear that this resonated with you. I'm so glad you stumbled upon my blog, and your encouragement makes me want to write and share more.
  • O.C.
    Blake, remarkable clarity out of the most painful period post-break up. Which is why you should be fully confident of better experiences yet to come. I tend to think that the greater the hurt, the more reassuring it is, for had you not cared so deeply you would not feel as badly as you do. The pain bears witness to the depth of your feelings, and it would be so much worse if withdrawal was easy, because that would mean one was incapable of feeling much at all.
  • Thanks so much for your note Otto. Very true. I think it's so much better to ante up and really put your heart into the relationship than to hold back so that a breakup won't hurt as much.
  • Matt S.
    I'm sorry Blake. Good on you for having the guts - not to mention some potent writing skills - to put this out there. I'll do the email introductions tomorrow. Instead, I've got some jams for you.

    Life comes back around again. Give it a little time and I think you'll find that much of the positive energy you've put out there (and for you, it's a lot) doubles back and finds its way to you in times like this.

    Lastly, that "half of all marriages fail" statistic isn't all that accurate. The second you start factoring in your education, income, geography, etc., your chance of success improves remarkably. Not fair or universal obviously, but worth keeping the faith.

    Anyway, give these a couple of spins. They're melancholy, but that's right right now:

    http://hypem.com/#/search/her%20space%20holiday%20my%20girlfriend's%20boyfriend/1/
    http://hypem.com/#/search/cloud%20cult%20no%20one%20said%20it%20would%20be%20easy/1/
    http://hypem.com/#/search/okkervil%20river%20president's%20dead/1/
    http://hypem.com/#/search/noah%20and%20the%20whale%20blue%20skies/1/
  • Matt, thanks so much for your thoughtful note and for the very appropriate tunes. For whatever reasons, Disqus didn't alert me to your comment - so I apologize for not responding right away!

    Your intros were awesome, and I really, really appreciate your friendship and support.
  • Deep post Blake. It took guts to write a post like this and I respect you for doing so. I'm sorry to hear about the breakup, and I hope you find your groove again soon.

    This section got to me:
    "But the romances that don’t end in marriage all have to end. And half of marriages end anyway."
    Harsh, scary, and yet refreshingly true. What an interesting existence we have on this planet.

    One cheesy quote I'm a fan of in moments like these, from the movie Blow -
    "Sometimes you're flush and sometimes you're bust, and when you're up, it's never as good as it seems, and when you're down, you never think you'll be up again, but life goes on."
  • *Love* that quote Joe, thanks so much for sharing. Just tweeted it out. Reminds me of my poker playing days too. Every day was so unpredictable and it was hard not to let it get to me, even though up and down were truly (and mathematically) arbitrary.

    I'm stuck on that same idea about all that romantic relationships having to die except for one. Seems like such a waste.
  • mannyrechani
    Blake.

    This was quite an emotional blog for you to write - I'm sure...
    Thank you for sharing this. As far as taking a risk - in the end, there is little risk in being honest.
    If you need a song to listen to...Run by Snow Patrol.
  • Thanks so much Manny. I've actually had the song "Run" on one my favorite iTunes playlists for a while but never really focused on the lyrics. Good stuff!
  • Bravo to your heart and your head for hitting publish on this beautiful post. As hard as it is, you are one person closer to finding the person you are supposed to be with. And thank you for reminding me, especially in this commercial month celebration of St. Valentine, to take it a little easier on that one relationship that means so much to us.
  • Thanks so much for your note Olivia, it makes me glad I published it! And yes, by all means please do go easy on that right person. I keep promising myself that I'll do that!
  • Aw, man. I'm sorry. "A death and an addiction" is right on the money--especially in those cases where so many things were *right*. Eventually (I'm told) the pain dulls and your brain stops being broken. But it's hard to not be frustrated and impatient on top of everything else, waiting for things to get better...
  • Amen to that. It's like, what does normal feel like again?
  • Your post reminded me of this quote:
    "When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability... To be alive is to be vulnerable."
    Madeleine L'Engle
  • Great quote man. It's hard to embrace the vulnerability sometimes... That's what it's all about though.
  • cbartlett
    Hope things get better for you soon!
  • Thanks Colin, I appreciate it!
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