Because if I'm scared to say it, it's probably worth saying

February 3 2010

As good as it gets

Saying no imageWhat would happen if you gave up the one thing in your life that’s most important to you?

Think about it for a minute. Imagine ending your marriage. Leaving your job. Closing your business. Abandoning your labor of love.

Would the next chapter in your life be better or worse than this one?

It’s a terrifying question. So terrifying that most of the time, we’ll do anything to avoid it.

It’s also one of the most powerful predictors of our future.

Because when we believe that whatever we have now is as good as it gets, we draw the boundaries of our future. Nothing better can happen to us when we don’t believe there’s anything better out there – when we accept what we have and tell ourselves to be grateful for it.

Great negotiators understand this. They know that what makes for strength at the negotiating table has nothing to do with the money in our wallets, the strength of our resume, our influence over others or our family name.

It has everything to do with our alternatives. The negotiator with the strongest alternatives is the one who calls the shots. After all, you would be smart to turn down the first course at a feast. And you would be foolish to turn down the only course at a soup kitchen.

It’s no different when we negotiate our futures. When we focus on the risk and pain and regret of losing what we have, it’s almost impossible to say no.

But what about when we focus on what we’re missing. When we see people just like us living their dreams. People truly in love. People making a difference.

We think they must have advantages we don’t. They must be smarter, richer, luckier or more credentialed.

But they’re really not. And we know it.

The only difference is how they looked at the same dish we’re eating. Just like us, they had a chance to take it. But it didn’t look so good to them, because they see life as a feast where we see a famine. They knew they would miss out on the main course if they filled up now.

And so they said no. They risked being wrong and going hungry.

Meanwhile, we ate our dish. And we’re still hungry.

  • I believe the wise person can differentiate between satisficing with thought that life is as good as it gets versus being truly content and grateful with what they have. It's true if you go through life without challenging yourself you'll never grow as person or reach your full potential to contribute to society. However at the same time you still need to be mindful of the present, appreciating where you are in life and those around you. While you should always seek to improve, you should never abandon what got you there in the first place.

    That to me, is the true ideal - having the wisdom to appreciate where I am in my stage of life, not to get caught up in the rapacious hunger cycle you so described. This is especially for those that you described are "smarter, richer, luckier or more credentialed." As I've noticed sometimes those people can be victims of their own success, at worst focusing so hard on the challenges that they let slip other important items in their life, family, friends, children, etc.

    In Reflection, perhaps that's why I'm envious of old men, maybe when the need to challenge myself career wise has reached its zenith, I can just sit back... relax... and crap my pants. In the meantime, I remind myself of how many challenges I've already completed, content with where I am, and satisfied with farting in the elevator.
  • You make a really important counterpoint Ben. The restlessness and questioning I describe can easily be taken too far and become a source of perpetual dissatisfaction. It's helpful to hear you point to a contentment and mindfulness that are not about settling, but about appreciating what you have. There's probably something karmic too about being thankful where thankfulness is due and not just stubbornly looking for faults.

    Hearing about your envy of being an old man at his zenith reminds me of something one of my favorite thinkers, Viktor Frankl, says in Man's Search for Meaning. He would agree with you wholeheartedly.

    He writes:
    "There is no reason to pity old people. Instead, young people should envy them. It is true that the old have no opportunities, no possibilities in the future. But they have more than that. Instead of possibilities in the future, they have realities in the past -- the potentialities they have actualized, the meanings they have fulfilled, the values they have realized--and nothing and nobody can ever remove these assets from the past." (from Man's Search for Meaning, p.151 in the Touchstone 1984 edition)
  • ryanmeinzer
    That was one of the most intriguing and compelling write-ups I've read in a while Blake, an absolutely valuable read.

    I think a lot of entrepreneurs, in particular, struggle with this. They are so glued to their ideas, business, etc. and they're so determined to succeed. They tell themselves, "Just a few more months, then I'll quit if x isn't accomplished." They'll always end up convincing themselves to go another few months. Months turn into years, and very likely, years of true opportunity foregone.

    One great takeaway I've received somewhere along the line from PSL (can't remember when or from who) is that it's important for us entrepreneurs to set strict and objective milestones and consequences (i.e. "Quit business") for ourselves and our businesses far ahead of time - at least a year, and write them down. This way, when the deadline point comes and if we haven't hit that milestone, our consequence is purely objective and we can't argue with (lie to) ourselves any longer - we can at least be assured our decision/consequence (to quit, in this example) was not rash, rushed, subjective, etc.

    I think your write-up seconds the merit of this, and can serve as assurance to those of us who may have to make these incredibly tough decisions in our business or personal lives. Thanks Blake.
  • Ryan, thanks so much. The decision to pull the plug is so, so hard. I often look back at my decision to shut down Anthillz and wonder whether I waited too long. In one sense, I did it quickly - I was the first of the DreamIt '08 companies to bite the bullet and close down. In another sense, I was slow. I ignored some wise advice from one of my team members who saw the writing on the wall before I did. Listening to him would have saved me an additional $10k+ in personal debt.

    I think there's a lot of wisdom in what you write about putting measures to place to keep us from lying to ourselves. I talked a little about delusion in this interview I did recently, and about how I think it's the hidden startup killer. I'm curious to hear your thoughts and I'd like to write more about this eventually:

    http://www.cooltownstudios.com/site/comments/so...
  • I asked that question a few months ago and it ended in my leaving my fiance. I still believe it was the right choice. But it is a dangerous question to ask, if one believes there is a risk of sowing doubt where none was warranted. You are playing with fire, Mr. Jennelle... :)
  • That must have taken so much courage, Karen. At least you got out before the government got involved (i.e. marriage)!

    I hear you about the risk of needlessly sowing doubt. I'm a believer in the idea that there's no real faith without doubt to test it and reinforce it. So I'd rather err on that side, especially when life's most important decisions are on the table.
  • Yeah, that has become my position as well (regarding doubt). It was alarming how quickly things fell apart after I starting asking if this was really going to work, so for a while I wondered if it was the fault of the question itself. But it really wasn't. Those doubts were in the back of my mind for a long time--the only change was that now I was giving credence to them, and that HAD to happen sooner or later. Hopefully next time it won't take me four years to notice!
  • It's so, so hard to pull the plug on something that important. It may seem obvious after the fact and it's easy to wish you had done it sooner. But the key thing is that you did it, and I have a lot of respect for you for that.
  • Gosh, thanks. :)
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